I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
