he told me I talked like a deaf person
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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