Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
