I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
