In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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