How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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