also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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