hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
