I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
