I wish I could teleport
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
How external is "for external use only"?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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