Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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