I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
