Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
