Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
