i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
