I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
