Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
