my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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