Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
