my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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