I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
