News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
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