Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You need a sexual gate keeper
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
