Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
