If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
