when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
