Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
