i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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