the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Can you bring me the toilet please
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
