porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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