This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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