please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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