Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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