I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
