I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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