that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Even my vagina gasped.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
