Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
