Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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