I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
