Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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