I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
