I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
