If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
