everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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