he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
