I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
