speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize