Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
