I'm jealous of your bromance
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
