it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
