Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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