Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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