I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
