Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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